Friday, October 06, 2006

Why give hope when there is no hope to speak of? Often i find myself questioning these things. I couldnt decipher the intentions of people that often gives me hope but normally aren't able to deliver it. This does not only apply to relationships but also to lots of other things like a simple job application. I had a very bad experience in which the interviewers sounded so convincing asking me when i can commence work, the salary that i am expecting, explaining to me in full length about the job scope, the perks and benefits that the company is offering me only to find out that they had given the job to an internal transfer. I fucking wasted my unpaid leave and time to even bother to go for the job interview when deep inside i knew that they are only meeting the expected quota of job interviews. To make matters worse one of the HRD people told me that i was one of the best candidates that was short-listed for the second interview.

It was really heart-breaking as i had vie for this job for the longest of time and I had pinned my hope on it. I wanted it so bad that it put me in a state of vertigo for weeks. My mom told me that it was not my "rezeki" yet and what she said was really hard to swallow. I knew that it would give me the career advancement and the job prospects that i wanted and not to mention the salary that they are offering could help lessen the financial burden that my family is encountering. It could also help to finance the studies that i am pursuing next January. The 5 years bachelor's degree course will without a doubt burn a deep hole in my pocket. I am already at a wits end as to how i am going to finance my studies. I need to have at least a degree qualification to get me somewhere. Being a diploma holder is simply not enough to get by in today's competitive environment.

All i wanted now is for God to give me the inner peace and patience that i really needed. My hopes are dashed and i feel extremely demoralized.

Monday, July 24, 2006

I felt disappointed by the news that i had received last week. I had the sinking feeling that i will not be able to make it for the next round of interview and that i was not short-listed. I was so confident that i had done well for the oral and written exams but i guess luck was not on my side again. I wanted the job so much. I knew that if i managed to get the job, it would changed my life totally. I also knew that it can build me because i have the potential to grow. What went wrong? Is it because i was not up to par with the rest of the candidates or was it because i am a tudung-clad lady? My guess is that the dutch fella might not like "tudung-clad" secretary as i would be deemed conservative and boring. Well, to hell with him then! I knew that deep inside that i am smart, capable and i have confidence but it's not my "rezeki" yet. Some said that i was not a johor-born and that big organisation like that put johoreans as top priority. To me, it is just a whole load of crap. How can they measure a candidate by the way they look and their status? As far as i am concerned, i am a malaysian. Though i was born and bred in Singapore, i am still a malaysian.

Sometimes, in situations like this, i wish that i was in KL. Things would have been different because the society there are more open-minded. The job opportunities in Johor are really difficult. I just want to get out from the cocoon that i am in. I have been working in this establishment for the past 4 years with no job prospects and career advancement. I felt de-motivated so much so that i was not able to concentrate in executing daily duties. I don't know if my current superior noticed any changes in me. I only work here for the sake of working without any passion. I had plans to pursue my studies but everything fell apart due to commitments.

I just feel really hopeless in times like this. After all this years of putting up with so much shit in my life, i never paid any attention to myself. The only thing that kept me going was the arrival of my daughter. She is the pillar of my strength and my only hope for a better life, and because of her, i'm not going to give up hope just yet.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I've been feeling like crap this few weeks but my worse was today. Since the last weekend, i've been hearing about people's passing away. My office was affected by two deaths of a family member, both are fathers. I had lost mine 6 years ago but the wound was never healed. Another one came as a total shocker, as there was this 'abang' i knew who works as a security officer in the building that i work, i remembered clearly that he was sitting on his favourite spot whilst waiting for his wife who also works in the same department as him. From what i understand, this 'abang' is a loving husband, a doting father and a friendly person that got along fine with the rest of the people here. As i was walking towards the lift, he said hi and ask how my baby and me were doing, which is the norm. I had the opportunity to chat with him for a few minutes before the lift came, only to find out later on Monday that was my last i'd see of him.

He looked fine, cheerful and sometimes he reminded me of a malay comedian from Singapore. I never failed to laugh at his antics and the thought of his passing away affected me in some ways unknown. Back home i cried, i cried for all the people that i've known and lost. It was so unexpected as death does not distinguish the old or young, healthy or sick, rich or poor.

I'd find myself awaken in the odd hours of the night, looking frantically at the people who are with me at this moment, my husband, my daughter and my mother and being grateful that i was given an opportunity to savour every single second with them, while i can.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Car wash service provided by Darwisyah Hanna!

My daughter has discovered her nostrils (ie. 'nose hole' according to her dad). She is quite obsessed with sticking her finger in there and digging.
The first time i saw her doing this i thought it was rather cute. Now i'm worried the constant digging will enlarge a rather quaint lubang... Why do children do this? It's like it puts them in some kind of transcendental state, or something! She could be watching Spongebob Squarepants on the telly or eating her dinner and suddenly plop!, in goes one finger and no matter what you do to try and distract her, she's right in there!
It's downright embarassing in polite company.
She has grown so big and when i think to the day she was born, how small she was, mewling like a kitten, it breaks my heart (in a good way) to see him so big and independent...pretty soon she'll start proper school and wear a uniform! Awww!
Some days i want to keep her a baby forever, and when she's being difficult, i wish she was older and someone i can actually reason with. I'm not exactly a picture of Patience on a Monument, if you get my drift.